


A House Without The Door On it

by fragileb0nes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes Returns, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Lost Time, M/M, OT4, Past Lives, Past Relationship(s), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Rehabilitation, Stucky - Freeform, steve x bucky - Freeform, yo this is old as hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 06:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6184120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragileb0nes/pseuds/fragileb0nes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With Bucky back, Steve finally felt a real sense of relief for the first time in what felt like eons. But even if he had that much needed relief, something still wasn't right. It was becoming clear to him that it might be time to let the past stay in the past, because it seemed like he was the only one who remembered it anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A House Without The Door On it

**Author's Note:**

> So I literally just found this absolute mediocrity hiding away in the depths of my laptop. It's almost two years old and has been deserted all this time and hey I might as well post it now lol because like who gives a flyin'-

“He seems good,” Natasha tilted her head as she dried a plate and put on the stack of them she was making on the counter.

“Yeah,” Steve nodded in agreement. His voice was up an octave or two more than he would have liked, but it was only in response to the way she made “good” sound like a fill-in word for something else.

 _Good_ was a word that worked pretty well for the most part. Bucky had been located about six months before, which should have been good, but the only word Steve could have thought of to describe that was _frightening_.

Sickening, messy, and painful could have worked too, but frightening summed it up better. That was six months ago. The time following that was best put as dicey. Yes, they’d found Bucky and not the Soldier, but he surely wasn’t cured of seventy years of hell in one night. It was clear he knew who he was, he knew where he was from, he knew who Steve was- but he didn’t really expand on much else with detail. The rehab was tiresome, but things turned “good” about two and a half months ago when it became clear that Bucky was finished with the extensive rehabilitation. Even though he quietly and politely denied follow-up therapy, with his simple statement of “I’ve got nothing left for you to scribble on about or medicate me for.” He was allowed to go and live out in the real world. The real world created for him was the apartment in Brooklyn that Tony was helping make happen after a hell of a lot of groveling and convincing. (It wasn’t easy to plead the case of someone who had been used for evil for a long, long time.) It was good that Bucky was getting a dosage of normalcy, even though it had been made for his comfort. It was good that he was okay with going out, and having visitors to the apartment. It was good that Steve could even go as far as to think he particularly liked it when Natasha and Sam came over for dinner a lot, like tonight. It was good that he could sit down and watch a game with Sam. It was good that he smirked when Natasha poked fun at Steve. It was good that he was getting about four hours of sleep a night, which was three and a half more than he was getting a while ago. It was good. It was all good. Kind of.

Natasha smiled understandingly, catching Steve’s tone. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” He shrugged.

Natasha smirked and bit her lip, shaking her head mockingly. “Steven,”

Steve shook his head and sunk a cup into the sudsy water, sighing before he spoke. “He doesn’t remember.”

“Still?” She said with sympathy in her voice. Steve wasn’t surprised by her hinted tone nor did he find it to be feigned. Natasha was his friend, and she’d been coming around long enough to stop playing the coy and cold card and remind him every once in a while that there was a bit of compassion running through her veins.

Steve turned around and looked over at Bucky who was still sitting at the kitchen table with Sam, dragging Sam’s ass in a card game. Steve should have warned Sam that Bucky was frustratingly and unnaturally good at every single card game. “I’m trying everything, Nat.”

“Still leaving things around the apartment and putting that old caveman music on the record player?”

He nodded. “We live three blocks from where we grew up. We pass our damn apartment building nearly everyday. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.”

“He’s a man of few words, Steve.”

“He wasn’t always.” Steve could accept Bucky being a bit more reserved now, that was tolerable. But he was tired, and he needed some kind of reassurance. Big or small, something to let him know that jackass he grew up with was maybe still around, or at least acknowledged. He glanced back at Bucky again and watched him as he readjusted the sleeve on his gray thermal, pulling it up more over his metal hand. “I don’t even know if he wants to.”

Natasha sighed. “I told you this before, Steve. Whatever he remembers, good or bad, he might want it all to go. It might be best for him to just start all over. All over.”

Steve nodded, even though that thought was painful. He knew she felt that in a sense herself. The best way to get on with life now, at least in her own case, was to leave the past in the past, every bit of it that she possibly could. “Yeah, I know.”

Natasha pursed her lips and stuck her hand into the water in the sink. Her hand found Steve’s and squeezed it before reaching around in the water and pulling out a fork. “You’re missing silverware, Rogers.”

* * *

Once the dishes were finished, Steve went back to the TV room where Bucky and Sam had found themselves. Sam sat on the couch while Bucky sat on the floor beside him.

“See?” Sam said, waving the remote control at the TV. “It’s supposed to be funny.” Steve recognized the movie as one Sam made him watch before, Jump Street Something.

Bucky ran a hand over the carpet. “It’s stupid,”

Sam made a point of slumping into the couch and grumbling, obviously frustrated. From where Steve was sitting, he could see Bucky flash a smirk. He liked flustering Sam, and it was strangely comforting to watch somehow.

“What are we watching?” Natasha asked as she entered the room and plopped onto the couch behind where Bucky was sitting. She reached down at ran her hands through Bucky’s hair, pulling it into a bun. Steve watched and tried not to look surprised. Everyone had a delicate way of dancing around Bucky, either like they didn’t want to catch him off guard and make him upset, or they didn’t want to wake the sleeping Soldier that may still be inside. Even Steve sometimes found himself being overtly gentle with him. But not Natasha, she had no problem making jokes at him or even being critical. It usually made the whole room hold its breath, but Bucky never seemed to mind. Maybe it was because she was the only person treating him like a human-to-the-bone person. Steve was almost embarrassed by her, he should have been the one that didn’t have a problem in the world with him.

“Something stupid, apparently.” Sam mumbled.

“How about we go to the park down the street?”

“It’s freezing outside,” said Steve.

“Oh, it’s nice out, you overgrown baby.” Natasha scoffed.

“It snowed this morning.” Sam added.

“It’s nice,” She repeated, standing up.

“Bucky?” Steve directed the question at him, making him the swing vote.

He shrugged. “Snow is nice.”

“And there we have it, people.” Natasha smiled and went for her coat.

* * *

The four of them zipped up their coats and pressed on hats before heading out into the cold, not without Sam and Steve doing some under the breath mumbling about it. The walk to the park was quick, and Natasha was even quicker about shoving snow down the back of Sam’s coat, which sent the two of them off on a snowy escapade to get the other one freezing.

“I hope it’s okay that they came over tonight.” Steve said to Bucky as they watched Natasha start climbing a tree to get away from Sam.

“It’s fine,” Bucky nodded. “I like them.”

“You do?”

“I like them a lot.” He nodded again and cracked a smile when Natasha shook a branch, making it snow all over Sam. “They’re good people.”

Steve tilted his head in agreement. “They are,”

After that, snow pelted the both of them. After the quick and startling realization that they were both covered in snow, their eyes were directed towards their friends.

“Quit standing there!” Sam smiled as he threw more snow. Natasha was still slinging snow from where she was perched in the tree.

The pair took that as their cue to join in. Bucky was first to ball some snow up in his metal hand and hurl it straight at Sam’s face. Steve and Natasha couldn’t help but burst out in laughter as Bucky had found a new way to push Sam’s buttons.

“I think you might have made a mistake,” Steve chuckled and shook his head, picking up snow with the intent of nailing Natasha with it.

Throwing snow probably looked ridiculous and was downright childish, but it felt right somehow. As far as he was concerned, each of them deserved a bit of childishness every once a while- they’d all been robbed of it at one point in their life. So yeah, it felt cold and probably looked plenty stupid, but it was nice.

* * *

“You got snow down my pants.” Natasha grumbled and bumped Steve with her shoulder after the fighting was over, readjusting her black beanie.

He smiled and shrugged. “You managed to get it up my nose.”

She grinned in satisfaction and crossed her arms over her chest, standing beside him. They watched as Bucky laid on the ground in defeat and Sam kicked snow on top of him. “I think he’s feeling good.” She said. “Better than the last time we all had dinner.”

“That was two weeks ago.”

“I know,” She shrugged. “He seems better to me every time.”

Steve nodded. “Better,”

A long silence fell between them as they watched on, any smile on Steve’s face had faded away.

“What are you afraid of?” Natasha asked, breaking the silence.

“Hmm?”

“What’s scaring you?” She repeated herself.

Steve looked at her, and then back at their friends and sighed. “I get that he probably doesn’t want to remember, I really do. But that’s still sad to me. There might have been seventy years of shit, but there was a couple of good ones before that. I’m afraid he’ll never get those, or never want to talk about them. I feel like I’m living with a stranger, but not really, because I’m the only stranger. I know him- he might not really know me.”

Natasha smiled. “Have you ever seen the movie _The Vow_?”

Steve scoffed. “Have _you_?”

She rolled her eyes. “He’s like Paige and you’re like Leo.” She nodded over towards him.

“We’re not married,” Steve chuckled.

“Details,” She shrugged. “She didn’t remember, it never came back.” The smile again retreated from Steve’s face. “They made new memories. You might have to do that. And you’re doing a good job, Steve. He’s comfortable, and I think he’s happy. You had each other a million years ago and you have each other now, it’s a start.” 

Steve nodded and swallowed, looking down at the ground and kicking some snow. “You’re right,”

“I know I’m right,” She grinned.

“It’s just that there isn’t a whole lot left from home, you know? Just Bucky. But when he doesn’t remember it, it’s like it’s still not all right. It’s like… it’s like a house without the door on it.

Natasha stared at him with pursed lips before putting her head on his shoulder for a quick, passing moment. “I’m sorry,” She murmured, it was sincere again. And it should have made him feel better, but it didn’t.

“Me too,” He mumbled.

* * *

“I’m gonna need this coat dry cleaned. I’ll send you the bill, Barnes.” Sam said after they’d made their way back to the apartment and he and Natasha were getting ready to leave for the night.

Bucky smirked and shrugged. “You know where I live.”

“And I’ll let you know if my toes ever defrost,” Natasha added.

“Thanks for coming by, guys.” Steve smiled and held the door after Sam opened it.

“Sure, I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” Sam punched his arm.

“I’ll let you get a head start,” Steve grinned.

“Jackass,” Sam chuckled and muttered under his breath before taking a step out into the hallway.

“See you around, boys, and stay out of trouble.” Natasha said as she gave them each a quick hug, adding a soft pat on the back to Steve’s.

“We’ll try,” Bucky grinned.

“Goodnight,” She smiled and waved, giving Steve a knowing glance before turning to leave with Sam, ducking under his arm as they went on their way.

“Did you have fun?” Steve asked after he had closed the door. He felt like he asked it the way his mother had whenever he went out when he was young.

“Yeah,” Bucky nodded. “Except for the freezing part, it was fun.”

Steve grinned. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?” _The Vow_ was the first thing that popped into his head, and the following thought was something about throwing Natasha.

Bucky took a half step towards the hallway. “I’m actually going to go to bed, if that’s okay.”

“Oh,” Steve nodded once. “Yeah, okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

Bucky half smirked and dug his hands into his pockets. “Goodnight, Steve.”

“‘Night, Buck.”

After Bucky had gone to bed, Steve took the liberty of cleaning up their apartment that was already clean. He wanted to keep himself busy any way he could, which led to him reorganizing his closet by color, which he didn’t like so he rearranged it back to a random order again. He alphabetized their record collection and reaped through their DVR, making sure not to delete any _Friends_ or _Ridiculousness_ , two shows Bucky seemed quite fond of for some reason. He resorted to retreating back to his room and lying in bed to stare at the ceiling for a while, because sleep seemed far off.

He knew Nat was right, and that it was probably time to let the memory jogging go, but that made it feel like a rock was sitting in his throat. Before he knew Bucky was still alive, it was easy to forget about the past and modernize his life. It was the only choice he had. But once he knew Bucky was still out there, and even more so when he got him back, the past seemed more important. Steve had a life before the ice, and even before he was Captain America. He had a mother who he still missed whenever he smelled sugar cookies, even though hers were better than any he’d tasted since. He went to art school, that he loved and hated all at the same time. He had a favorite tea from A&P that he got every time he was sick, which was more often then not. He had friends from before and during the war, and even neighbors that hated him for always making too much noise when he came home too late. He had jokes with the dancers from his bond tour, he still cracked a smile whenever he thought about some of them. He had his Howling Commandos, and he wondered if he’d ever feel so comfortable with a team ever again. He never had Peggy, which was still slightly haunting and unsettling. And he always, always, always, had Bucky. All of those things were home, and all of it was gone except for Bucky. And Steve knew, he knew too well, that the hurt was never going to go away. He lost all the bits of home, and the one he got to keep was absent. It would hurt less to have nothing, but he could never lose Bucky again. It all hurt, and it was beginning to make his head pound and his eyes sting.

It was almost two in the morning when he left his room and went for the shoebox sized balcony their apartment had. He thought a minute or two of fresh air would help calm the buzzing in his brain. He opened the sliding glass door and was straight away met with the fact he wasn’t the first one out to the balcony.

“What are you doing up?” Bucky asked. He was sitting cross legged on the ground, taking long drags from a cigarette that he must have just lit. There were a few butts on the ground beside him that he must have already burned through.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Steve sighed.

“Join the club,” Bucky smirked and blew smoke out of the corner of his mouth. “Take a seat.”

Steve sat down on the cold concrete beside Bucky and stared out at the building across the street. The man that owned the shop on the first floor was just leaving. “It’s still freezing, Buck.”

He smirked and reached out to tap the railing, making a few echoing pinging sounds of metal against metal. “It’s not so bad. Pretty sure you’ve been colder before.”

Steve smiled and nodded. “Damn straight.”

Bucky took another drag from his cigarette. “Can we go to the grocery store tomorrow?”

“Sure, what for?”

“We’re out of that Cocoa Puffs cereal.”

Steve narrowed his eyes and grinned. “I just bought a box the other day.”

Bucky nodded once. “It turns the milk into chocolate milk, Steve.”

Steve nodded in agreement. “We’ll go tomorrow,”

Bucky tucked a piece of hair behind his ear, it was all coming out of the bun Natasha made hours ago. “Sam’s pretty fun to bug.”

He chuckled. “I noticed you like that.”

Bucky almost chuckled too. “He’s easy, though. Natasha’s harder to get to.”

“That’s because she’s always the one doing the bugging.”

“She doesn’t bug me,” He said, flipping the cigarette in his hand without having the burning end touch his skin and without putting it out. “But she gets under your skin pretty well.”

Steve smirked and nodded, taking in how quiet their street was at night.

“That guy that just left his shop,” Bucky lazily pointed in the direction that the man had just been walking. “He sells me cigarettes half price.”

“Why?”

“It’s probably because I beat on him until he agreed to.”

“You did?” Steve snapped his head in Bucky’s direction.

Bucky chuckled and took another drag, “No, you fat-head. It’s because he likes me.”

“Oh,” Steve replied, letting the horror subside.

“You’re pretty easy to mess with, too.”

Steve pursed his lips. He always had been. “When exactly did you start smoking?”

“Always. Well, not always, not in front of you at least. I didn’t before the war, but things got kinda shitty, you know? Needed something to unwind with.”

“Yeah,” Steve nodded and looked down, pushing some snow with foot. “You know they found out a whole bunch of shit about cigarettes over the years. Those things’ll kill you.”

“No, they won’t.” Bucky chuckled.

Steve pursed his lips. “It was worth a shot.”

“Do you want one?”

“No,” Steve shook his head. “That’s okay.”

“Good,” Bucky grinned. “I wasn’t gonna give you one anyways.”

A moment or two of silence passed, and something in Steve’s head clicked. It felt like a jolt ran up and down his spine and cogs started turning in his brain. _The war_.

“Buck,” Steve started, he could see his breath in the frigid air. He tried to make his tone sound as casual as possible. “When did you say you started smoking?”

“After they shipped me off, not long after then.”

“Huh,” Steve huffed, maintaining his cool. _He remembered._ The war, _he remembered_.

“You know what would have been helpful?”

“What?”

“Sam. Damn, if we had a guy that could fucking fly like that we would’ve had way less problems than we did.”

Steve’s mouth sat slightly gaping with a twinge of smile as he nodded.

Bucky was quiet for a bit after that, smoking his cigarette and toying with his hair every once in a while. Steve shamelessly stared at him, thoroughly confused and somewhat thrilled but also anxious to know if he knew even more.

“Do you remember Elena Scott?”

Steve’s mind was absolutely reeling. “I think so. You took her on a date once, right?”

“No, _we_ took her out on one, if I’m not mistaken. Remember? I made you come for fun.”

Steve was still staring, wide-eyed and floored. “Yeah, I came. And when she got sick, she threw up on _my_ shoes.”

Bucky laughed and put out his cigarette against the concrete. “Her hair was the same color red as Natasha’s, wasn’t it?”

Steve swallowed and nodded, continuing to stare at Bucky like he was a foreign life form.

“I have ears, Steve.”

“What?”

“I have ears. I can hear you and Natasha ruffling each other’s feathers over whether or not I remember.”

Steve didn’t say anything, embarrassed by the fact he’d been caught.

“I remember.” Bucky said, staring far off in front of him. Steve didn’t know how to feel about the look in his blue eyes. It was a confusing mixture of nostalgia and sadness, fear and happiness, and most of all exhaustion. “I remember everything, Steve.”

“All of it?” Steve asked warily. He really meant all of it, from the Brooklyn dirt on his shoes to the spilling blood on his hands.

Bucky tilted his head and nodded once, slowly. “You’re gonna have to give me time, okay?” His voice came out like a whisper.

Steve looked him up and down. “‘Kay,” He murmured in reply.

Bucky smirked after a long while and bit his lip before unfolding his legs and standing up. “Cocoa Puffs, Steve. Two boxes.” He said as he ruffled Steve’s hair and kicked his leg lightly.

“Three, the hell with it.” He grinned, feeling his insides warm up even though it was freezing outside.

“Come on, it’s cold as fuck out here.”

Steve looked up at Bucky, and for the first time since he’d found him, he finally felt like he was looking at the person he used to know. This was the person he grew up with. This was the person who never stopped looking out for him, even when it seemed like it cost him his life. This was the person Steve was willing to die for, over and over and over again. This was Bucky. This, this was finally home.


End file.
